my baby brother is engaged. this is hard. all family engagements from people younger than me are hard. i feel like a huge failure because i am unpartnered.

that’s never been a goal.

i’m great at eventually reaching my goals. but the vague things, like “maybe have friends” or “someone will notice if i am horribly ill”? not so much.

i talk about my brother’s engagement a lot. there are things that are easy to talk about. they haven’t been dating for an extended period of time, she has different political views than i do, she has a different faith than i do. her family is different than mine. the ways she wants to cultivate my brother seem silly to me. easy to talk about, but not substantial. i want him to be happy. he says he wants to do this; so he should do it. i deeply hope that he finds contentment in this new chapter of his life.

i’m envious that he knows how to play by the rules.

lately, i’ve been reading about people that have terrible diseases and it is only because their loved ones pushed for a diagnosis that the medical issues were eventually resolved. i live alone and have slowly been tapering all of my social connections. what would happen to me if i ended up with a brain tumor?

my brother has the brain tumor angle covered, now.

sometimes, i wish i did.

Aside

As the panic attacks increase, I remove any possible trigger from my life.

But they remain, ever-vigilant, eagerly anticipating my demise. A more loyal friend than I have ever had.

Aside